I Ignore Moments…

Not one of my more profound confessions perhaps.

I’m not talking about the times when I’m too distracted, or occasions where I just wasn’t paying attention. Hell, maybe that’s all involved too.

What I mean is that again and again people I love, people I adore, people I am committed to – feel ignored. There have been these moments on & on in my life where I just didn’t know what to say. And instead of telling the truth and just saying that, I just hit some kind of fast forward button.

I suck at goodbyes, I’m average at apologies, and I could probably do a better job of making my girlfriend feel like a Queen.

I go to great lengths to acknowledge people I care about, and some of them still feel ignored, left out, or uncared for. Either some of my friends are narcissistic as shit, or I need an awareness tune-up. (hint: probably a bit of both.)

I spend time onstage, and then I hide. I’m in the middle of it all, and then way outside. I don’t know why. It’s just who I am, and how I have been. I worked real hard at making the center of my life smaller, and focused. And it worked.

And then I moved to the other side of the world.

I didn’t realize how many people would be hurt by my moving, and even when I knew I wasn’t sure how to feel about it all. When you matter to people are you tethered to them?  My own family love me more than I could ever explain and yet they have always been incredible, supportive, and loving with my need to go where I’m called to go next. Many of my friends have also always given my travels their blessing.

I will say this. Yes I have a lot of room to grow in the area of being thoughtful, and considerate. And yes I could get much better at saying goodbyes, sending cards, and other customary kindnesses.

Now that that’s said… I feel it needs to be mentioned that many of the people who have had real issues with me tended to be assholes themselves with serious personality disorders. For the most part, I haven’t had any drama with anyone who wasn’t nuts. And to be fair, if I was ignoring them, it often had a lot to do with how weird or difficult they were being.

Still it troubles me. If I say something it might be the wrong thing. If I ignore the moments, I appear distant.

What are ya gonna do? Fucked if I know.

The only thing I know how to do is this- I’m willing clean up whatever I spilled. I’m willing to hear you out, and if I was wrong I’ll cop to it.

Life in Florida is much, much, hotter than I’m used to, and more serene than I know what to do with. I only have another month or so here and I want to keep writing. So pardon me if these aren’t making sense. I’m just working at staying in the game.

And the moment…


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