Sitting alone in an empty room in a old church that looks more like a castle from the outside.
My tea kettle sits next to my coffee pot, next to my dish for my rings, my watch, my keys.
Candles burn, incense smolders and there in the sometimes cold, sometimes not- I sit at my desk and write, read, study, and work out some of the dangers that await me in my last 2 exams. The hardest to prepare for, and by now the ability to be worried has left me. Replaced by a drive to know something useful, something blessed, something sacred, or just something beautiful.
Why do we do it? What do we gain by subjecting ourselves to rigorous scholarship, studying the mysteries of the Divine, learning how to argue better while yelling about how much peace we wish to create.
Why leave family and friends, put careers on hold, travel to a faraway land and pound brains into books, books into brains, – standing for possibilities many people have abandoned?
How long will you be gone? Where will this lead?
I haven’t gone anywhere. I’m right here. This will not lead to anything. I will. My career isn’t on hold, it’s growing into a vocation. My family came from this far away land, and my some of my friends have even dropped in.
As for the books and the brains… I have a shelf full of some and a head full of the other and when I put them together, sweat it out and just do the damn work something happens that wasn’t just going to happen on its own.
The last 2 weeks have been a pleasure, a pain, a trial, and always a blessing. 5 exams down, 2 more to go. Not a single grade has been posted, and my checking 6 times a day doesn’t speed it along any.
I have to say- I love this. I love every minute of being here in Rome, being at this incredible university, and working my ass off in an entirely new way. I don’t like every minute, and I have a hard time often… and still, overall, it’s one of the most incredible experiences I have ever created.
I’m worn out, and still excited. I am tired and still eager. This is hard work for me, and I have wanted to give up, cash out, and go home. And I am still here.
I feel taxed, challenged, pushed, and on a few occasions positive that this is a game I just can’t win. I’m just not smart enough, disciplined enough, or made of the stuff that graduates are made of. I have too much doubt, too little ambition, and a nagging voice in my head telling me that I’m delusional.
And I’m still here.
You might be up against it today. You might be fighting for your life, for your dreams, for your passion. It seems like you can’t win, or even play much longer.
Join me. Stay in the game. Get back up, and do the next thing. Just get back to work and make one thing happen. When that’s done, do another. Big or small – I don’t care. If your heart is in your work, and your following your life’s purpose then you have permission to doubt yourself if you must, and then get over it and back to work.
Actions lead to achievements, and then to victory.
We just reinvented Monday.